The Great Invasion of ’95

On Wednesday the 20th of Sept. the Office of the Secretary General received information from Judith Anderson that WPIK was broadcasting a news item that the Conch Republic was about to be invaded by the 478th Civil Affairs Battalion of the United States Army Reserve.

After conch-tacting the news director at WPIK to confirm the rumor, this Office called Prime Minister Dennis Wardlow to inform him of the pending invasion that was planned by the 478th without prior conch- sultation with our government. The Prime Minister stated his intention to take some much needed R&R from his own battles with Federalist Forces, and placed the Office of the Secretary General in command of the situation with full faith and confidence in our ability to defend the Republic.

At 10 AM the Armed Forces of the Conch Republic were placed on full alert subsequent to conch-sultation with the Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, Admiral Wilhelmina Harvey. WOZN (the Ozone) radio was briefed as the official Emergency Broadcast station of the Conch Republic, and they began to inform the citizenry and Armed Forces members of the grave situation we were facing.

By noon on Wednesday a letter was on its way to the Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of the United States, with copies to the Joint Chiefs of Staff at the Pentagon, and Secretary of State Warren Christopher via our Special White House Envoy, Kerry Kirschner in Sarasota. 

This letter protested in the strongest possible terms this so-called "training exercise" being conducted in our country without any prior conch-sultation with our government. We assured the President that while we found this incursion lacking in Humor and Respect, we would find appropriately funny ways to repel it.

We set a War Cabinet meeting for that night. Rear Admiral Finbar of the Flagship Schooner WOLF, and Conch Republic Air Force General Freddy Cabanas attended, along with Rob and Roxanne Kunkle who formed INTERCONCH as our ultra secret Intelligence Conch-tingent. A Battle Plan was hatched for dealing with the unauthorized incursion of the 478th.

General Cabanas would bomb the convoy with stale Cuban bread (our historic weapon of choice for dealing with Federalist Forces) as they crossed the Boca Chica Bridge to soften them up.
Meanwhile, Admiral Harvey and Rear Admiral Finbar would muster the troops to meet the invaders at the Stock Island Bridge, and prevent them from entering the Capital.

On Thursday morning, the Office of the Secretary General conch-tacted elements of the 478th to inform them of our war footing, and copy them the letters of protest we had sent to the Commander in Chief, the Pentagon, and the State Department. The 478th was astounded. We informed them that they had committed a serious breach of international protocol; and were going to have to pay the price for this affront to our sovereignty under the adverse possession statutes of International Law, and their affront to our hospitality.

Meanwhile, the Conch Republic’s munitions industry, La Dichosa Bakery, was placed on full alert to produce vast quantities of stale Cuban bread. Their commendable performance in the face of the threat to our sovereignty will never be forgotten. Baking far into the night and the wee hours of the morning the produced a formidable quantity of ammunition.

The Northernmost Voice of the Conch Republic, SUN 103 in Key Largo, was placed on alert, and watches were set to report on the 478th progress in their incursion into the Conch Republic.

Meanwhile, the 478th was starting to wonder what they had gotten themselves into. At 9.45 PM a Major Muller was on the phone trying to talk their way out of full scale war. Major Muller explained that they were the "good guys", were not here to harm us, and hoped confrontation could be avoided. It was explained to him that our plans were set, were irrevocable, and that they would be repelled if they refused to meet our demands at the border of the Capital. The Major requested a copy of our demands, which were faxed to him as we talked. Upon review, the Major felt that our demands were acceptable. At 10:50 PM we received a fax from the 478th on U.S. Department of the Army letterhead stating that they had " no way meant to challenge or impugn the sovereignty of the Conch Republic". 

We had won without firing a shot. The United States Army had acknowledged the sovereignty of the Conch Republic!

Even though the battle was now to be ceremonial, by Friday morning all was in readiness. WOZN had been on full Emergency Broadcast, and the citizenry was alerted and enthusiastic. INTERCONCH was in position. The Air Force was ready, Admiral Harvey was in uniform, and in command. Key West Lager had agreed to provide the beer, the Key West Police Department and the Sheriff’s Department had been alerted to expect an incident, and the 478th was rolling.

Over two hundred citizens and members of the Navy, Air Force, and Army (ours) were crowded at the foot of the Cow Key Channel Bridge. INTERCONCH kept Command and Control constantly apprised of the whereabouts of the lead elements of the 478L-h in spite of the fact that they were taking fire from the Conch Republic Air Force themselves as they crossed the Boca Chica Bridge. As the 478th rolled onto the Stock Island Bridge; the Armed Forces of the Conch Republic sallied forth onto the Bridge led by Admiral Harvey and Rear Admiral Finbar, and stopped the lead vehicle of the 478th dead in its tracks. Major Kim Hooper dismounted, and approached the Admiral. They were introduced. Admiral Harvey read him our list of Demands including her request of him to ask permission to enter our Country. He accepted all our demands with a very polite, "Yes Ma’am!" At that point, a mighty blast from the Queen Conch Horn, and a ceremonial blast of the WOLF’s cannon welcomed the Gentlemen and Ladies of the 478th onto our island. We had won!

Conch Republic history, indeed, but 1993 was not yet over. The U.S. government was yet to provide us with even greater opportunities to shine our light. The latter part of the year saw two shutdowns of the United States government over budget issues.  

The Report from the Conch Republic follows: U.S. Govt. Shuts Down